Happy Mother’s Day

Disclaimer: For all intents and purposes, this blog will not be one of those pieces that will just glorify motherhood for every mother’s day just because it has become a habit for us. We want to talk about real stuff and break certain myths so that it becomes a little easier for mothers to tread through motherhood and life in general. So, please only read on if you have the gut strength to take real facts and also the empathy to understand ever changing life situations.

Mothers are super women; they are total badass and can do anything for their munchkins…Yada yada yada…but, let’s have a real talk, shall we ??

Ok, show of hands…How many of you breezed through motherhood? Didn’t you get judged for every choice you made while you yourself were grappling with being a new mom? Did you crumble under the weight of all the expectations from the extended family? Did you wonder how the earlier generations had multiple babies and lived like life was so easy when we struggle to just have and raise one?

Before we get all deep and personal, we welcome you to today’s blog post which is an extension of last week’s topic on self-care to our super moms. We want to have those difficult conversations and help today’s mothers to have it all while battling mommy guilt and busting myths a bit more easily.

Although there are several hot topics in the motherhood space today, we want to focus on four key takeaways that will put a mother’s mind to ease. So we hope you’re ready for this !

1.You do you!

There will be advice and recommendations aplenty coming from all directions oftentimes unsolicited about life priorities, food choices for the baby, work-life balance, and what not. As well-meaning as these ideas are, it leaves us confused about which way to go to do right by our babies.

One of my friends that lives in Chennai with an active social life was very uncomfortable with nursing her child in public places. To keep the child fed and happy and to save herself from the awkwardness of having to flash to people in public, she would express her breast milk into a bottle and feed the kid from the bottle while in public places. The baby surprisingly took well to the bottle and also expressing helped improve her supply. Everybody wins !!! This worked out well for all. But, she was shamed for having a social life while being a mom and had to face a lot of backlash for choosing an unpopular way of nursing to her child.

We want to say to these people – “Back off!” Ok, I don’t mean to sound rude, “Back off, please”. Not to take away from the magic of motherhood or anything, but mothers are already putting their ripped body back together, keeping a very needy baby alive, managing sleeplessness, battling the emotional newness of the whole thing. So, if they found themselves a hack that can make their life easier, please reserve your opinions and leave it be.

And dear mothers, no one cares about your baby more than you do, so you do you!

2.Its ok to put yourself first sometimes

We know it would be crazy to even expect this for the first couple of months when the baby is practically glued to the mother for nourishment and pacifying…… but after those first few months, when the baby is fairly stable and is able to develop an attachment with the father, grandparents or aunts and uncles, my dear moms, please allow yourself some alone time to do what you like or to get yourself pampered. IT IS OK! I want to scream this from the rooftops – It is not selfish to want to have some time for yourself after becoming a mom!

If anything, it will only make you show up as a better person rejuvenated and relaxed and wanting to be there for your baby more. Also, all babies are survivors and they learn to adapt to different conditions but will be able to do so when subject to mild adversities once in a while. We are not saying that you should set off on a solo world trip few months after delivering a baby, but we are just saying it must be ok to go for a girls night here and there and get yourself pampered, or go on a date night or whatever floats your boat, girl. It’s OK, you are just as important as the baby and deserve the recovery time.

3.Mental health & moms

We have been speaking directly to the moms till now, but here we want to speak to the caregivers for these mothers. This role is mostly taken on by the husbands or the mothers of the new moms and we want to address you now. We know that mental health and its importance has been taken a little too far by social media, but the concern of post-partum depression is very real.

On the one hand, as part of human evolution, it feels like we have been focusing on survival and financial stability more in the last 100 years, but now that a majority of us have learned how to survive, only now are we paying more attention to some of our sublime issues of mental health and overall happiness and have started working through our mental wellness as a lifestyle.

On the other hand, this raises the question of how did the women of yester years have multiple children and go through life like it was easy when post-partum depression is a big subject of discussion today. Here is our take on this – Most women from that time were absolutely satisfied playing the role of a caregiver and did that brilliantly too, so transitioning into the role of early motherhood and knocking out one child after another must have felt very natural to them. But, the women today are not satisfied with one role, even if they are extraordinary at it. The switch from a very dynamic life to a static life, or the absence of social life, and the overwhelming change of having to prioritize their entire life around this new tiny human must be quite daunting, hence the emphasis on the mental wellness of the mom.
Dear caregivers, all we ask is to be sensitive to this situation and try and create a happy environment for the new mom and the baby. If not, what else matters really ?!!

4.Tune into your motherly instincts

In the interest of perpetuating the human race, millions of years of evolution has culminated into developing a “mommy brain”, so to speak, which indicates the biological and chemical changes that happen in the brain of a woman enhancing her capabilities to function effectively as a mother – one of which is a natural instinct that ever so subtly points us in the right direction.  This instinct speaks to us in a soft voice viscerally guiding us in making major decisions, what we like to call the gut feeling. The more we learn to listen or tune into this voice, the louder and clearer it gets.

They say, “ It takes a village to raise a child”. Of course! we can’t do it alone,  we need the help of our grannies and the society to create a wholesome experience for our child. Dear moms, don’t forget to hone in on your own motherly instincts that have evolved over millions of years to guide you. You know best!

We understand that at the end of the day, everyone means well, and wants to contribute in the best way they know. However, please understand that your reactions and involvement play a major role in the motherhood experience itself, and try to be cognizant of that.

We know a lot of mothers that are reading this blog post would have nodded along and felt heard and seen. That’s my primary goal, yes, we see you! But, we would be doubly pleased if the fathers and the caregivers can also take some time to read this to understand the women in their life responsible for birthing and nurturing the bundle of joy we all enjoy.

Motherhood, in itself is a precious gift and has to be experienced in all its glory.

Motherhood is as close to a divine feeling as we can get, so let’s together create an environment where mothers can thrive.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the beautiful mothers out there! We see you!

-Team Kal & Kai

Co-authored by Veena Vijayan and Lekha Mithra